Pain and It's Complexities

This is a confession post, as well as putting into writing (for my benefit and for you if you want to listen in).

There is something I have always known but have learned in a deeper way... I HATE PAIN.  I want to run FAR away and in the opposite direction, actually only take a quarter of a turn because if I run far enough I'll come around to the same spot, that is if it's a circle.  But you  know, that's really what life is... a circle.

We've heard the saying, 'we've come full circle'.

No, seriously, one thing I've learned since living with chronic lyme and all the pain scenarios that are linked to that, is ... I WANT IT TO GO AWAY!  I want to be all better.

But reality is, it doesn't and I'm not all better.
Yes, it gets less intense, but nevertheless it still is, in some form, always something I deal whether physically or mentally.

And I'm realizing that I really do want to AVOID any long term pain.  I don't know what to do with it because I guess I lean towards being a fixer.  In my mind if something is broken, if possible, fix it.

Ok.  Enough of that.

So, of course I've been mulling on that and asking God how do I live with chronic symptoms.  And just to fill you in, my brain is greatly affected by the lyme disease; like my thought processes, how much I can do at a given time or even absorb, multi-tasking is most of the time not an option, and grocery shopping stretches me to the limit.

So, put faith in the picture, well, let's just say that is a challenge for me to make/feel connections a lot of the time.  But anyhow, back to my question... how do I live with chronic symptoms that don't go away??

I felt the whisper in my heart....
~ One day at a time.  One day at a time.
Not the whole week and sometimes not even the whole day.

~ Focus on what needs to be done, right now.

~ And someone shared ... take care of your family, save yourself for them. And so I remember that when I have nothing left for those outside my family.  And there are many times this reality is hard.

~ Then there are times and moments when I need to shift focus... to shift my focus from the obvious brokenness to resting in the promise that God redeems and He has a good plan (even when it doesn't seem like it). And to focus on Him and His strength for the moments that need to be done when I'm about to become undone (and sometimes I do 😉).
What you focus on is where you go or what you become.

And then, there is the pain.  Pain of heart and/or body.

Pain has been said to make one bitter or better.  We can let pain work its work in our hearts or run from it.  I personally don't like this agent and yet...

Here are a few of my musings...

~ Pain makes me more aware of what is going on around me.  If I allow it, it softens me to be kinder to those who are struggling.  It reminds to be gentle when someone is hurting.  I am reminded that a lot of times there is more going on beneath the surface of one's exterior, so be thoughtful.  I learn gratefulness isn't dependent on all things going well.  And like in winter, finding the beauty among the bareness that surrounds us.

   It's easy to say God is good when a prayer is answered, a pain or heartache is alleviated, but what about the times when it's not taken away or a loved one dies in spite of the many prayers being offered to the heart of God... is He still good???
   Yes, He is.  One just needs to look at a different place.  In a different spot.  It's a letting go of what I longed for, to accept and embrace what is.

~ It seems that when all is going good and flowing smoothly, I soon make idols.  I want to camp in this spot or I soon forget.  I so quickly want to hang on to these moments.   Oh, I wish it wouldn't be this way.  But somehow the idols make us harder to what is really good in ways that pain doesn't.

~Yes, pain can harden our hearts, but I find it's only when I shut down or make vows to protect my heart.  When I choose to accept and yes, sometimes embrace what I want to change or go away,  I soften.  I become more alive and vulnerable.
  But that's where I stumble at times, because being vulnerable opens me up to not only receiving life and grace and being alive, it opens me up to being more aware of pain and hurt and even receiving more pain and hurt.

~ Here is a quote from a once eight year old Florida girl ---  "'Good is good and bad is good, too.'  (Bad seems bad, but if you can hang on long enough and if you can just trust Jesus, then you'll get through it and your faith will be so much stronger.  Then the bad stuff makes good stuff in your heart.)"

~ And I'm reminded, because I wrote the words down, as it's not easy to remember this when you're in the middle of hard, of the song Laura Story wrote,
                                                                Blessings
     What if Your blessings come through raindrops?  What if Your healing comes through tears?  And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?  And what if trials of this life, are Your mercies in disguise?
   This is only the chorus.  Go find the song and listen to it.  It is so full of calling us to something more.  To looking for something else when we want something different, something that most likely is what we really need.
 
~ I want to make a statement here....  finding something more or even seeing the good in the middle of pain comes only when you're ready for the next step.  It's hard to grasp or even see anything other than pain and loss when the pain is fresh.  So if you're in the fresh pain stage don't berate yourself or be too hard on yourself, lay this thought aside, but just know that sometime you'll be ready to look.

~ And those hard questions that we'd like clarity for...
Those times when what is happening makes little to no sense...
I'm learning anew to rest in the truth that God sees it all and He understands. I look forward to the day when I enter heaven and will be in the presence of God my Father and I can talk with Him and I believe it will all make sense.  But for now,  I see through a glass darkly...  I Corinthians 13:12

Wow!  I said this was for my benefit... I come to this point and am challenged, convicted, and encouraged to press on.  To embrace the agent, pain, for what it is and all that it brings and to trust the heart of my Father God to hold me gently while I walk the path on this earth and to trust Him that He will see me safely home.  And while I'm walking this path to look for Him in all the moments, whether good or bad and to BELIEVE HIM when He says, He works all things together for good.  Romans 8:28

~ The following pictures were taken by Martha Schwartz as she took a walk.  She doesn't like the brown of winter, it looks too drab; but on this one morning she decided to look for beauty and beauty she found.  So, we too, if we look for the nuggets of God's grace and His love  and goodness,  we will find it.