Needing help is a vulnerable feeling and leaves me at the mercy of something or someone else. What if they hurt me or stay away or even walk away? What if I don't survive?
I’ve been in places where I felt trapped, helpless, a victim to circumstances and no one came. To be needy is a dangerous place to be, I tell myself. Then I feel the push pull of wanting someone to help me with the confidence to do it on my own.
Today is a week post-op for me. I went home with instructions to not lift more than 10 lbs. I went home with incisions and changes inside of me. I slept, walked carefully, sat on a chair more than anything else. I asked for others to do things or leave it undone. Meals were brought in and I watched a friend vacuum my carpeted floor. I sat while seeing work that needed to be done and all I could do was look at it or rather look away or sleep some more so I don't have to see what needed to be finished before winter settled in for good.
Weakness. Ugh, I don’t like it. But I’ll be honest, parts of it were fun. I liked the meals brought in and yet I worried that I was a bother to someone else. I could sit with no guilt because I was supposed to.
As I had much time to think about the needy place I was in, the verse Paul wrote, in response to his request that his thorn in the flesh be removed, came to my mind. 2 Corinthians 12:9 And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.
Jesus declared to Paul that in the weakness he feels and experiences, the strength of Himself could be seen. The power of Jesus was perfected in Paul’s weakness.
The response of Paul to this was, “I will then gladly boast in my weakness so that the power of Christ may dwell within me.”
To know weakness is to give space for the opportunity of strength. To know a need is to create the opportunity to partner with the strength of Jesus - His grace.
As I sat, watching my friend vacuum the carpet, she had the opportunity to show her strength in my weak and need-filled hour. The dirt on the floor had been bothering me. When she offered, I had a choice to make. I could brush it off and tell her, “it’s okay, someone will get it later” or I could accept the offer she held out to me.
I chose to allow her to vacuum my floor. It felt strange to sit while watching her vacuum. In the same way that it had felt strange to have people bring me food for our evening meals. In all reality, I could’ve found a way to do what needed to be done. In some ways, that would feel safer. Why? I actually found myself thinking that if they knew how good I felt they wouldn’t think it necessary to bring in a meal. The reality is, through them sharing and bringing me and my family food, I felt cared for. Community was taking place and God was touching a tender place in my heart.
Something is starting to stir within my heart - what if weakness is really the space and opportunity to partner with someone else? What if I start to see weakness not as a failure, an inconvenience but as an opportunity?
I am glad to help someone who needs help and I don’t think less of them. Why then, when it’s me, I feel like such a bother? (Hence, my own broken story tells the paradigm. Sometimes, we’ve been told such in one way or another. Maybe the past holds the reality of being alone and needing to find a way.)
I felt the nudge, the stirring of God, maybe wanting to rewrite the paradigm of my story. So, I am tentatively trying to listen and to pay attention. I think back to a visit of two older ladies, who said to me, “Just let us care for you. We want to.” Tears burn my eyes as I surrender a bit more to my weakness and partner with the strength of someone else.
This duo of strength and weakness, is a continual ebb and flow, a fragile and sacred dance. Sometimes it’s me giving and other times it’s you giving. Sometimes it’s me receiving and other times it’s you receiving. All the while the push pull of wanting to not be needy, to cover my weakness and to show my strength.
But most of all, it’s partnering with Jesus. People are limited. People miss us and don’t always help us when we need it. I remember other times when I could’ve really used help and the world around me laid silent, void of human aid. Someone had other things to do, opportunities were missed. We’re left feeling wounded, missed and can so easily make declarations of never opening up in our weakness to need help.
That is a space where I discovered the grace of God, the deep, overflowing and overwhelming grace of God. I call them Jesus spaces.
God wants to be needed. If I am always strong and able to do something, then God is never needed. If humans are always there and get it right for me, then why need God? It is truly as we own and feel and accept our weakness, that we can know the strength of God.
Truly our weakness when partnered with God and His strength knows a grace that exceeds all boundaries and heals us in ways we never dreamt possible.
Paul gladly accepted his weakness so he could know the power of God. I open my hand a bit more and surrender to this truth that in my weakness I can know the power of God.
I surrender to the reality that the partnering duo of weakness and strength creates space for a beauty and grace that I want to know.
But to know strength, I must know weakness. Thank you, Jesus, for Your grace that is sufficient. It’s a daily, manna grace that feeds us enabling us to rise and with confidence declare that we accept our weakness so You can be strong, Your power and strength dwelling in each of us.
