Because I've been struggling through the reality of a prayer that doesn't seem to make a difference and it's been the cry of my heart for the past 2 years...
disillusionment and sarcasm and bitterness creeps it's way into my heart.
First, I struggled with Lord, You don't love me...
Then, it was, You don't care about me...
Next, I am like, Lord, why pray, does it matter? does it make a difference?
I'm not important.... and the thoughts circle on.
Recently, I heard a talk on God and loving Him and how that we can be with Him and not know Him. A comment was made in that talk, that did the people follow Jesus for the loaves and fish? Did they follow Him to be healed? Did they follow Him for the miracle?
Or did they follow Him for Who He is?
That thought stayed with me...
Am I following and loving Jesus for what He can do and does do for me? Or do I follow Him because I love Him and for who He is??
I want to be loved for more than what I can do.
I want to be loved for who I am.
Jesus is the same.
He commented on the people who sat at His feet.
The woman who washed His feet.
The people who caught a glimpse of Him and worshiped.
Why do I love someone??
Why do you love someone??
An honest look at that question revealed that I tend to love wholly and freely if there is something in it for me. If I 'feel' loved or cared for in return. If not, I want to walk away or at least distance myself...
But can I say with Habakkuk - though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren
even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty,
(that's pretty much a fail of any life security)
v.18 YET, I will rejoice IN THE LORD!
I will be joyful IN THE GOD OF MY SALVATION!
v.19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights.
Even though....
Yet,
I will worship God.
Yet,
I will love God.
Yet,
I will choose to believe His Greater Truth and greater plans.
Maybe, the reason for my prayer going the way it has, is to reveal a greater need of my heart.. to learn to love wholly, no strings attached...
to love, simply for WHO God is and not WHAT He does.
Maybe, I'll never know...
Why do I love someone?
Why do you love someone?
No comments:
Post a Comment