Pain and It's Complexities

This is a confession post, as well as putting into writing (for my benefit and for you if you want to listen in).

There is something I have always known but have learned in a deeper way... I HATE PAIN.  I want to run FAR away and in the opposite direction, actually only take a quarter of a turn because if I run far enough I'll come around to the same spot, that is if it's a circle.  But you  know, that's really what life is... a circle.

We've heard the saying, 'we've come full circle'.

No, seriously, one thing I've learned since living with chronic lyme and all the pain scenarios that are linked to that, is ... I WANT IT TO GO AWAY!  I want to be all better.

But reality is, it doesn't and I'm not all better.
Yes, it gets less intense, but nevertheless it still is, in some form, always something I deal whether physically or mentally.

And I'm realizing that I really do want to AVOID any long term pain.  I don't know what to do with it because I guess I lean towards being a fixer.  In my mind if something is broken, if possible, fix it.

Ok.  Enough of that.

So, of course I've been mulling on that and asking God how do I live with chronic symptoms.  And just to fill you in, my brain is greatly affected by the lyme disease; like my thought processes, how much I can do at a given time or even absorb, multi-tasking is most of the time not an option, and grocery shopping stretches me to the limit.

So, put faith in the picture, well, let's just say that is a challenge for me to make/feel connections a lot of the time.  But anyhow, back to my question... how do I live with chronic symptoms that don't go away??

I felt the whisper in my heart....
~ One day at a time.  One day at a time.
Not the whole week and sometimes not even the whole day.

~ Focus on what needs to be done, right now.

~ And someone shared ... take care of your family, save yourself for them. And so I remember that when I have nothing left for those outside my family.  And there are many times this reality is hard.

~ Then there are times and moments when I need to shift focus... to shift my focus from the obvious brokenness to resting in the promise that God redeems and He has a good plan (even when it doesn't seem like it). And to focus on Him and His strength for the moments that need to be done when I'm about to become undone (and sometimes I do 😉).
What you focus on is where you go or what you become.

And then, there is the pain.  Pain of heart and/or body.

Pain has been said to make one bitter or better.  We can let pain work its work in our hearts or run from it.  I personally don't like this agent and yet...

Here are a few of my musings...

~ Pain makes me more aware of what is going on around me.  If I allow it, it softens me to be kinder to those who are struggling.  It reminds to be gentle when someone is hurting.  I am reminded that a lot of times there is more going on beneath the surface of one's exterior, so be thoughtful.  I learn gratefulness isn't dependent on all things going well.  And like in winter, finding the beauty among the bareness that surrounds us.

   It's easy to say God is good when a prayer is answered, a pain or heartache is alleviated, but what about the times when it's not taken away or a loved one dies in spite of the many prayers being offered to the heart of God... is He still good???
   Yes, He is.  One just needs to look at a different place.  In a different spot.  It's a letting go of what I longed for, to accept and embrace what is.

~ It seems that when all is going good and flowing smoothly, I soon make idols.  I want to camp in this spot or I soon forget.  I so quickly want to hang on to these moments.   Oh, I wish it wouldn't be this way.  But somehow the idols make us harder to what is really good in ways that pain doesn't.

~Yes, pain can harden our hearts, but I find it's only when I shut down or make vows to protect my heart.  When I choose to accept and yes, sometimes embrace what I want to change or go away,  I soften.  I become more alive and vulnerable.
  But that's where I stumble at times, because being vulnerable opens me up to not only receiving life and grace and being alive, it opens me up to being more aware of pain and hurt and even receiving more pain and hurt.

~ Here is a quote from a once eight year old Florida girl ---  "'Good is good and bad is good, too.'  (Bad seems bad, but if you can hang on long enough and if you can just trust Jesus, then you'll get through it and your faith will be so much stronger.  Then the bad stuff makes good stuff in your heart.)"

~ And I'm reminded, because I wrote the words down, as it's not easy to remember this when you're in the middle of hard, of the song Laura Story wrote,
                                                                Blessings
     What if Your blessings come through raindrops?  What if Your healing comes through tears?  And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?  And what if trials of this life, are Your mercies in disguise?
   This is only the chorus.  Go find the song and listen to it.  It is so full of calling us to something more.  To looking for something else when we want something different, something that most likely is what we really need.
 
~ I want to make a statement here....  finding something more or even seeing the good in the middle of pain comes only when you're ready for the next step.  It's hard to grasp or even see anything other than pain and loss when the pain is fresh.  So if you're in the fresh pain stage don't berate yourself or be too hard on yourself, lay this thought aside, but just know that sometime you'll be ready to look.

~ And those hard questions that we'd like clarity for...
Those times when what is happening makes little to no sense...
I'm learning anew to rest in the truth that God sees it all and He understands. I look forward to the day when I enter heaven and will be in the presence of God my Father and I can talk with Him and I believe it will all make sense.  But for now,  I see through a glass darkly...  I Corinthians 13:12

Wow!  I said this was for my benefit... I come to this point and am challenged, convicted, and encouraged to press on.  To embrace the agent, pain, for what it is and all that it brings and to trust the heart of my Father God to hold me gently while I walk the path on this earth and to trust Him that He will see me safely home.  And while I'm walking this path to look for Him in all the moments, whether good or bad and to BELIEVE HIM when He says, He works all things together for good.  Romans 8:28

~ The following pictures were taken by Martha Schwartz as she took a walk.  She doesn't like the brown of winter, it looks too drab; but on this one morning she decided to look for beauty and beauty she found.  So, we too, if we look for the nuggets of God's grace and His love  and goodness,  we will find it.

Whitespace for the Soul So We can Hear and See Something More

I will make a grand statement and include you in the fact that our lives can be so full.

Full of good things.  Things we do for others
Full of things pushed upon us that maybe we wouldn't choose to do or maybe we have to do because of circumstances.
Full of the mundane things that need to be done.
Full of...

When an artist paints a picture they often leave an empty space called whitespace.  Whitespace creates a place for the eye to rest as it views the picture.  It's empty.

When life is full, when there is constant activity, we really have no room to absorb the things that bring rest or soothe our soul.

How do we rest or create whitespace in the middle of all the demands and things that cry for our attention?
Our children, the little ones who need the constant physical care and the older ones who need guidance whether they want it or not. :)
Our jobs, that provides the needed income to provide for our family's needs.
Our relationships, that we want to nurture and care for.
Maybe you or a family member have a physical condition that requires a lot of doctoring and attention.
The ones who are lonely or discouraged and we want to care for them.
And the list goes on of things to do.

There is a time and place for specific time outs of rest.  Times when there's quiet and an atmosphere that refreshes our souls.

But then there are times when we need to pause, right in the middle of all the demands and to-do-lists, and quiet our hearts and inhale God's Greater Truths that refresh and upright our hearts.

So, take a moment and scroll through these pictures... Whitespace.  Space to breathe.  Breathe in  and allow them to refresh your souls...

Whitespace... creates a space where we exhale.  We let go.  And then that space can be free to see what really matters.  What really is important.

And sometimes a snow day forces you to do just that.  To let go of all the plans for that day and adjust.  To breathe in.  To reset.

It takes courage to enter a whitespace.  To let go to see something more.  Go ahead.  Be brave.
Be intentional as you go about your day to take those moments that come your way.

Breathe in.  Breathe out.
Breathe in God's peace.  Breathe out stress.
Breathe in God's love.  Breathe out those lies.
Breathe in...  Breathe out....

Seeds of Miracles and Belief

Seeds are miracles waiting to happen... is a saying I found awhile ago. And it immediately spoke to me, breathing hope. Hope.  And with hope comes anticipation.  Life buried in the dirt.

I cut it out and put it on my refrigerator and it's a ready reminder; reminding me of just that - Hope. Anticipation.  Life that is sometimes buried in the middle of hard things.

The job we were excited to get and didn't.
The endless years of being in a place when you'd rather not be in it.
The misunderstandings... rejections... in relationships.
The child who requires much of your energies.
And the list is endless.  The hard things.  The disappointment that life isn't looking like I thought it would.

And with it, buried in the middle of hard things, we sometimes lose our way.  Our footing becomes unclear.  The waters become murky.

And I don't always get it or sometimes in the hard moments, in the moments when I feel so weak and broken; I confess it's even hard to believe.  To believe Truth.

But maybe... and what if, like Lysa TerKeurst says, what if the very hard thing we'd rather not have is the very thing that leads us to life and God, Himself?? (I'll put this little plug in for her book... "It's Not Supposed to be This Way" is an excellent read if you find yourself in the middle of murky life.)

Jesus hates unbelief.  It keeps us from believing His Truth.  He is Truth and so it keeps us from Him.
There are many times Jesus either said a person was healed because of their faith or belief or He said because of their unbelief they did not receive the healing or like the Israelites, they could not enter the Promised Land.
And so it makes sense when He tells us that without faith it is impossible to please Him.

In John 1:12, John says " But as many as received Him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, [even] to them that believe on His name.
Romans 10:9 says, "believe in thine heart that God hath raised Him from the dead and thou shalt be saved."

Believe.
Webster's definition is: to take as true, real.  to have confidence in a statement or promise of another person.

Jesus is a person that we can have confidence in.  He is one who never changes and really has our good in mind.

It's just we don't always see it that way.
And sometimes.... what if that believing is so weak?

What does that mean when you're in the middle of pain and the hard happenings of life?  How do we live that out when the path is murky and even feels like quicksand?

One evening the disciples were on the waters of the Sea of Galilee and a storm popped up.  It was hard to row the boat.  To keep it afloat.
Then suddenly they saw a figure walking on the waters and were terrified, thinking it was a ghost!  They cried out in fear but immediately Jesus spoke to them, "Take heart, it is I.  Do not be afraid."

And one daring soul cried out, "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water."  Jesus says, "Come."

Peter got out of the boat, walked on the water, and came to Jesus.

But then something happened.
He took his eyes off of Jesus and saw the wind and began to sink.

When you and I take our eyes off of Jesus, we sink.
When we see the storm instead of seeing Jesus, we fear.

But look next to what Peter did.
He cried out, "Lord, save me."
(Matthew 14:22-33)

Those words Jesus told the disciples, "Take heart, it is I.  Do not be afraid." are for you and I as well.  Peter was not walking on calm waters.  They were still raging.  It wasn't until Jesus stepped into the boat that the wind ceased.

There was a father who had a son who had a dumb spirit and it would cause him to foam and gnash his teeth, etc. When this father met Jesus, he asked Him to heal his son.  And Jesus replied, "If you can, all things are possible to him who believes."
The father's reply was, "I do believe, help my unbelief!"
(Mark 9:17-27)

In those moments when we falter we can cry out, "Lord, save me!" or "I do believe, help my unbelief."
And on a personal note... sometimes it goes so far as "Lord, help me to believe and help my unbelief."

And Jesus shows up.  He reaches out.
It's not always on my timetable, but He comes.  And when it's not right away, I choose to believe and to wait on Him, believing He will make good out of all things.

So, it boils down to how we view God and what we believe about His heart.

To have confidence in God while life throws those hard curves our way means I must keep my focus on Him as Peter did when he stepped out onto the raging waters.

But sometimes my eyes shift away and I go down...
I then, can cry out, "Lord, save me!"

We really have two choices of belief... what makes sense and what we can see and taking our own control or choosing to trust the heart of God and to believe it is good, even when the path right now makes no sense and we're not sure how to take the next step.

The past year and half has been a murky path for me.  A path in which I've lost my way and been wandering around in circles, even taking a plop on the side, wanting to give up.

Jesus says in Matthew 13:31 that the kingdom of heaven is like a grain of mustard seed.  And in Luke 13:19 the grain of mustard seed grew and birds found refuge in its branches.

Psalm 31:24  Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!
39:7 "And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?  My hope is in You."

As the new year of 2019 has begun, those seeds are there....
And so, I choose to believe and to wait.  Wait on the Lord, for He is Life.  He is Truth.  And He is the Way.

He is our Hope.
He is my Hope.

Right now.  Right in the middle of hard stuff.
Right now.  Right now, even in the middle of joys and mountaintop moments.

Walking through these moments requires me to keep my focus on Him.

God. Immanuel.
He is with us.

Perspective - The Seesaw of Life

                                    

I was in conversation with a friend and we were sharing bits and pieces of our lives and the people in it.  She was sharing how one of her loved ones struggles with believing God's goodness, feeling like God snatches away the carrot just as he reaches for it.

And I commented how I, too, get that .... struggling/wrestling to believe.  To believe Jeremiah 29:11 where God tells us , "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not to harm...."

She comments about an illustration that she saw...
... A woman was grabbed by a man out of her car.  People gasp thinking she is being abducted only to realize that her car was burning.  What looked like in a moment to be a bad or negative action was actually one of a saving, heroic action...

And isn't that how many of our happenings are in our life??  In the moment it feels hard.  Painful.  We get angry.... Why, did God allow....??  Why, did this happen...?  Why...?
Later, in hindsight we see how the negative actually has a positive and a good, saving, and yes, heroic action in it.

Picture a seesaw, one of those childhood toys that children love to play on at a park...

It takes two.  Two people.  It works best when the weight is evenly distributed.

Up. Down. Up. Down.

And...
The one with the most weight, wins.  I remember the triumphant feeling of holding another person in the air.  And watching my boys when they were small struggle to keep someone up, calling "Mom, help me."  Or, holding on to blades of grass or shifting weight only to try to win by keeping someone floundering high in the air.

And when we're the one in the winning seat, our view is upward.  Maybe, just maybe that is the key... an upward focus in the middle of life and all that goes with it...

Life is like a seesaw.  There are TWO 'people' that play a part of our life's story.

Joy/Peace. Hard/Pain/Sorrow.

On one seat we have joy and good times.  The moments when our hearts soar with connection to God and others.  We feel like we had something to offer this time.  It feels like a time of summer.  Productivity.

On the other seat.we have sorrow.  The hard times when we feel weak or death has entered our door, calling a loved one for eternity.  We may wonder if God is really there or if He still loves us.  There's the pain of failing health, accidents, relationships gone awry, rejection, worrying about ( ) and .... you fill in the blank.

Life is a mixture of joy and sorrow.  It's what's woven into the fabric of life.

The past months I have felt the weight of pain and weariness.  It has held my joy and peace high in the air, floundering, until I thought it might fall off the seat.  I prayed.  Asking God to help and yet even believing in that was swallowed up in the weight of what was bogging my soul.

What do you do when it feels like your strength to  believe is so weak?  When it feels like you can't take another step of faith...

We have those days, maybe months sometimes.

One of my favourite passages comes to mind of the paralytic man who physically could not go to Jesus.  And four of his friends have a belief and a strength and each grip a corner of his pallet and CARRY HIM TO JESUS.

Sometimes we need to be carried. to. Jesus.
Sometimes we need someone to intercede for us when our faith or strength is weak.

So, today, I am thankful for other ladies.  Ladies who have whispered and breathed  a gentle wisp of hope in my heart.  Like my sons calling for mom to come and help them hold the other person up as they sat on the seat of a seesaw; I too, felt like I was calling for help to win.

Life is a lot of perspective.  It's been said many times that a situation is 10% what happened and 90% attitude.

And sometimes, we lose perspective, losing our way, to joy and peace, and it may take another person to breathe those wisps of hope into our hearts.

 Another thing I am grateful for is the many articles, books, and personal stories that many have shared because they have mentored me and breathed life and hope when I was struggling to believe.

Our stories matter.  And when shared, some day, they will touch a life and it may be just what was needed to encourage  another's soul.

And I realize that my prayer for help was answered and when I felt disconnected from God and wondered if He still loves me... He did.  He was not looking at me with disdain.

GOD IS WITH YOU, TOO!

That's God.

Taking our stories and using them for His glory.

A Letting Go for Something More

Life hurts.  I hurt.  My heart aches and not always sure why??

We are in the fall season and the leaves are changing colours, which in reality means.... the leaf is dying.

The leaf falls.  It lets go.

Why??

Of course, nature is taking it's yearly cycle.  The course the seasons are destined to take.

But something else...
It lets go for something more.... rest.  A hunkering down.

They've had their season of growth, of bearing fruit, offering shade and now... ??
The tree will need a time of rest.  A rest to rejuvenate.  To refuel for another spring season that will come.

The tree is letting go of its leaves.

I, too, face times and seasons of hardship, failing body, agonizing questions and I feel like I'm losing identity, "leaves".
I tend to resist, wanting life to stay somewhat the same.  Well, not really... but I sure don't want it to be the hard stuff that changes me ...

But the question comes.... What is being cut off, what do I need to let go??

Do I need to let my image go?
Maybe it's my need for validation?
Or even the want of summer, to be productive?
What about getting older and the body physically failing?

But it hurts to let go...

Why do I need to let go??

We let go,  for something more....
We let go because sometimes how I've done life and made it to work needs to change and in all reality that change will be beautiful.
We let go to rest and in that rest, to find God.

For it's in the unseen replenishing of the roots that the tree continues to grow upward and give fruit and shade, year after year.

So, it's in the unseen moments with God that we replenish our system and find life. 
The growth of our root system happens in the hard things, the winters of life.

But we must let go.

And it's in the letting go where the struggle is.

For we struggle to see Him when all is dark and foggy.
We wrestle to know He still has our good in mind when the path we're walking seems completely otherwise.
The battle to sense His Presence in the middle of pain, is very real.

How do we find God in the hard things that call us to let go of our image, our control or whatever it may be??

We may find ourselves in a situation like Jacob and we wrestle until we 'see' Him.
Or maybe, its claiming the verses in Scripture that speak of His Presence and promises.
Or maybe,like me, these past months have felt more like a fog and I cannot see the way.  In a tunnel that's dark and I'm not sure of anything, even the Presence of God and who I am in Him.  So, I choose to stay on the train.

I was reminded of someone traveling on a train and when that train goes through the tunnel and all is dark, he doesn't ask to jump off, but trusts the engineer to guide the train through the tunnel and out the other end.

Jesus, is our Engineer.  He is the One navigating our lives and when things get hard and dark, don't jump off, but choose to trust Him to navigate you through.

Maybe your marriage is falling apart and you've done so much and your heart aches for more connectedness...
You may have lost your job or are in a job that is stressful or not quite the right fit for you...
A friendship may have gone sour and hurt and rejection pierced your heart...
Questions may pound your mind and heart and they remain unanswered or unmet...
Or you may even be longing for someone to SEE your situation and walk with you, and there's no one...

Where is Jesus in the midst of all of this?

He's there.  Navigating your train of life.

He's calling you to nestle down and search to see Him.  Wrestle to know Him deeper.  Rest.

Rest in Him and His promises.
Search to see what needs to be let go of, what you've been holding on to.

I'm going to be honest and tell you, that I have wrestled much and cried out to God, only to feel silence and that my questions/longings were also met with silence and something different than what I desiring.  And in my head I realize that God is good and that what He chooses to do is the best; but my heart wasn't following.  My heart wrestled, agonized, and even was cynical at times as I walked through life.

So, a question that I asked myself is, what do I need to let go so I can see Jesus? 

I didn't want to be a Pharisee or religious leader or like many of the Jews who walked this earth when Jesus did and miss Him.  They couldn't see Him because He didn't fit the way they thought a King or Saviour should be and do.

Jesus wasn't fitting the picture I was painting...
He wasn't writing my story that way I was wanting it to be written...

And so, when Jesus doesn't do what we want Him to do, will we hang on to what we want or will we let go?
Will we let go so we can find God ?  That we may see Him and taste that He is good?

Go ahead, ask Jesus that question.... What do I need to let go so I can see Jesus?

Will I let go for something more?
                                  (😉 spring does come again...)

The light at the other end of the tunnel is starting to pierce the darkness.  There is hope.  There is light.

Will you let go for something more?

Manna Grace... The Miracle for Today

As the Israelites wandered in the wilderness, God provided.
He provided food called manna and gave specific instructions on when to gather it and how much and what to do with it.

Every morning it would cover the ground as dew covers the grass on a dawning morning.
You were to gather enough for your family for that day only.  No more for the next day. (It rotted if you kept it over for another day.)  Except the day before the Sabbath, you were to gather for two days.  It would be enough and it would not rot.  If you did not gather more you would be disappointed that Sabbath morning for there would be no manna.  Hunger would haunt you that day.
And if you did not go out to gather, you had nothing to eat.  - Exodus 16 14-31

Manna means, What is it?

Aren't we left, at times, with that question... What is it?  How does this fit in the picture?  How will this be enough for what I need (or think I need)?

Grace is like manna, enough for today.
You cannot take some for tomorrow.

Manna tasted sweet, like honey wafers.

And, so is grace.  The after taste is sweet to the taste buds of the heart and a balm for the hurting soul.

MANNA.
Grace.  for this moment.
Grace.  to believe.
Strength.  to rest.
Strength.  to trust that He is enough.

I read this quote while in the middle of a struggle.  A struggle that resulted from another's decision and left me wrestling to trust the heart of my Father.  Part of me didn't want to because I did not like the circumstances and yet... I knew... that God's ways are good.  I wrestled with the urge to take care of myself.

As I read this quote, I realized there are 'miracles', good things out there... BUT I MUST GATHER.
I must take the step 'outside' to pick up the piece of manna that is mine for the day.

The piece of grace, to rest.  To choose that He is enough for me.  TODAY.
The piece of manna to believe that God has good in mind for me and not evil.
The piece of manna to pray back to God the words He has spoken... His Promises.

If I 'stay inside' and whine and pout, I will miss the 'MIRACLES' of today.  I will miss the manna that is available for me.  I will not have the grace and strength available to rise above circumstances on eagle's wing.

And so, with tears, I took a faltering step outside... to 'pick up' my piece of manna...

The beauty of the manna of grace, is that it doesn't evaporate like the manna did for the children of Israel.  God offers His grace the moment we TURN TO HIM, and repent, asking for His strength to enable us.

What are you wrestling with today??
What is it that has you wanting to take care of yourself??

I invite you to come...
To our Heavenly Father who offers us the manna of grace and strength.  The grace to believe and the strength to trust.

And... maybe, you even need to share your struggle/wrestlings with a friend or mentor.  For a burden shared, is a burden found lighter.

May you know His grace and Presence, deep in your heart today.
May you find that He is enough, while wrestling with the hard things.
Most of all, may you know that YOU ARE LOVED.  By YOUR Heavenly Father, and may that enable you to rest.

Love to each of you...